As a communications professional and mother of an autistic child, I often am asked how to talk to a neurodiverse person. Let me assure you, I’m not an expert in this field. Just because I have a child on the spectrum and a degree in communications doesn’t make me an all-knowing spokesperson for neurodiverse people. Honestly, I consider it disrespectful to speak as if I have any deep understanding of what it’s like to be neurodiverse in a world that’s less than accommodating to differences. What I can do is share what I’ve learned from 16 years of living with and loving an amazing autistic person. He’s promised to fact-check everything I write, so you can be assured it’s been reviewed by a knowledgeable source. Joining me is Kelly Metzger, the mother of my son’s best friend (who also happens to be on the spectrum). In honor of Autism Acceptance Month, we’re going to get candid with what we wish other people knew about communicating with our kids. Say what you mean to say“When you speak to someone who is neurologically different, say what you mean and mean what you say,” suggests Ms. Metzger. “You don’t need to offer funny puns or flowery metaphors. You don’t need hyperbolic language or dramatizations. Use relevant wording to convey what it is you want or need or is important to communicate in that moment.” I concur with this tip 100 percent. Honestly, this is good advice when speaking with anyone, not just neurodiverse people. We’re all busy. Don’t waste someone’s time. As my journalism advisor always used to say, “keep it simple.” Don’t be sarcasticSarcasm can be funny to some people. Oh, the irony of a humorous dig. For others, sarcasm can be confusing, and it stings. “When someone can only grasp concrete language, trying to be comical at someone else’s expense just comes across as mean, particularly if the sarcasm is used in a group and the neurodivergent person doesn’t understand,” said Ms. Metzger. “Now they have become someone to laugh at in addition to the sarcastic remark.” This is something I struggle with personally. Anyone who knows me knows that sarcasm is my love language. Thankfully, my son not only gets my sarcastic nature, but he also has learned to engage in the behavior himself. I know I can joke with him because I am confident that he understands my irony. When I’m talking to someone for the first time – especially if I know they’re neurodivergent – I keep my quips in check. Practice some patienceI’ve gotten used to not being answered the first, second, and sometimes 53rd time I’ve asked a question in my house. Like Thomas the Tank Engine says, “patience is a virtue.” That’s certainly been true when communicating with my son. He may not respond as quickly as I’d like, but eventually, he processes my request and answers. “Communication is a challenging skill,” said Ms. Metzger. “How many times have you gotten into an argument or disagreement because of a simple lack of effective communication?” She’s not wrong. According to the science guys, a lack of communication skills is a leading cause of arguments within relationships. Since our brains all fire at different speeds, give people the time they need to respond to you. Likewise, if an answer flies out quickly that completely misses the mark, try again. Patience is key when communicating with anyone. Allow for Q&A timeRepeating a question back to someone not only lets them know you’ve heard them, but it also may be needed for clarification. Using questions as a teaching tool is highly effective. Instead of jumping to the conclusion that the person is being rude by asking you to repeat yourself, understand that they may need additional clarification to process your request. “This ensures there won’t be any confusion,” said Ms. Metzger. “This is useful in every form of communication because it leaves out room for grey areas and potential contention.” Be willing to explain againWhen communicating with a neurodivergent person, show them grace. That’s a good rule of thumb when talking to anyone. If the person doesn’t appear to understand, explain again. Find a different way to express yourself, because maybe you’re not being as clear as you think. Or, maybe it’s a topic you assume the other person knows as well as you, but they don’t. They may need some precursory information before they can engage in a meaningful discussion. Sometimes people view this as the other person being disinterested in what they’re saying. Step back for a minute. Don’t assume the world revolves around you. If you truly want to communicate with the person, you’ll be willing to explain as many times as it takes for them to understand your point. I must admit I struggle with this one myself. I have an autistic adult in my life who frequently responds to my conversation starters with, “Pardon?” Yes, it can be annoying. But getting past my own ego and being willing to repeat myself until he’s heard me is worth the effort. Put on your listening earsCommunication is a two-way street. Otherwise, it’s just a monologue. Remember when we suggested that sometimes neurodivergent people need a moment to process what you’ve said before they respond? Part of respecting their communication style means allowing them the time they need to express themselves (and making sure your listening ears are on when they do). “When your brain is wired differently, you see the world from a different perspective,” said Ms. Metzger. “(Neurodivergent people) can offer valuable insight your neurotypical brain just hadn’t thought of. If you don’t understand what they’re trying to communicate, ask questions and seek clarification.” Understand that behavior is communicationOh, the stories I could tell of all the times well-meaning people approached me when my son was younger (and having sensory overload in public) with their helpful suggestions for curbing his behavior. I could probably write a novel. Talk to any parent of a neurodivergent child and they likely have similar stories. What so many people don’t understand is that behavior is communication. Behavior is an essential communication tool for someone who is non-verbal. When my son was young and still struggling to speak, his behavior was his way of telling me when he was overstimulated or when he needed or wanted something. I understood it for what it was and would never have punished him for communicating with me the only way he knew how. To strangers, they just assumed my son needed a good spanking (and some didn’t mind telling me their opinions about it). It was exhausting educating ignorant people about my son’s communication preferences. “It’s important to realize that behavior is a valid form of communication, just as body language is and words are,” said Samantha Supernaw, a licensed clinical social worker with Heart and Head Healing. “When working with clients, sometimes I need to help them to better understand other people’s behavior to better communicate themselves.” You must learn to listen with your eyes and your gut instead of your ears, added Ms. Metzger. “Watch how they move through the world. Get to know what triggers them, what brings them joy. And talk to them. Just because they can’t vocalize with words doesn’t mean they don’t want to hear or can’t understand what you have to say.” Don’t infantilize themDon’t ever talk about someone in front of them as if they can’t hear or understand you. This is an ongoing problem across the disability spectrum, not just with neurodivergent people. “There is nothing worse than having someone talk to an adult who has limited communicative verbal skills and be spoken to as though they are in preschool,” said Ms. Metzgar. “Just because expressive language is lacking doesn’t mean receptive language is as well.” Don’t invalidate their perspectiveI hate to break it to you, but you’re not the authority on everything. Remind yourself of that when communicating with other people. The old ego can creep out when some folks realize they’re talking to a neurodivergent person. They somehow decide they’re “less than” and mustn’t have a clue about anything. Let me assure you that if you think like that, you’re wrong (and quite possibly a jagoff). Effective communication means trying to understand the other person’s perspective, even if it differs from yours. “Everyone is different,” said Ms. Metzger. “Every mind, every experience, every life. The way we walk through the world lends itself to how we view ourselves and the world around us. Each and every perspective is valid and worthwhile.” Don’t be an assholeI said what I said, and Ms. Metzger wholeheartedly agrees with the sentiment. There’s no point beating around the bush, either. Being clear and concise, after all, is an effective communication strategy. When someone already is marginalized because the world has deemed them to be different, they don’t need you to take your sour self out on them to boot. If you’re in a mood, avoid human interaction. If you don’t understand neurodiversity, educate yourself. What’s not acceptable is to be anything less than kind to another human being. Life is short. Don’t be an asshole. Go talk to a neurodiverse person todayTalking to a neurodiverse person isn’t difficult. I do it every day and am richer for the experience. Can it require a little more patience and kindness? Yes. Might you have to be willing to see someone else’s perspective, even if it differs from yours? Absofreakinglutely. But you know what? I promise it’s worth the effort and it will make you a better communicator. AuthorShari Berg has known she wanted to be a writer since she was old enough to hold a pencil in her hand. She believes everyone has a story to tell, and it’s her job to discover it. Shari owns The Write Reflection, a Pittsburgh-based copywriting and content writing company that empowers small business owners to wield the power of words.
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Graphic courtesy of Gerd Altmann Picture it. Sicily, 2021. Nah, just kidding. I only wish I was somewhere that exciting (or in an episode of Golden Girls, either would be awesome). Where I really am is perched in my favorite office chair, slurping my morning tea as I start my workday. I’m clicky-clacking away on my keyboard as I pour out my soul in my latest quest to produce quality content for a client. I’m on a roll. I’ve hit my stride, and nothing can stop me now. Well, almost nothing. Ring, ring. It’s my cell phone. I quickly glance at the screen, see who is calling, and make the judgment that I can call them back later. They don’t leave a message, so I continue in my assumption that it’s not a priority. Right now, I must focus on my work. Ding-dong! It’s my cell phone again. This time, I have a text message. I glance at it quickly, seeing that it is from the same person who just called me. I read it quickly and again decide it can wait and go back to writing. Beep boop! You guessed it. It’s my cell phone again. This time, it’s an email. If you guessed that it’s from the same person who just called and texted me, you would be correct. For the third and final time, I decide the person can wait. I know who it is. I am certain it is not an emergency after seeing their text. I need to focus on my work. I go back to writing. Ring, ring! Ding, dong! Beep, boop! Call, text, email. Call, text, email. The cycle repeats ad nauseam. Bleepity, bleep, bloop, blip! No, that’s not the sound of my phone. That’s me, censoring out my not-E-for-everyone response to the same person repeatedly interrupting my workday. By now, I’ve lost my writing groove and am struggling to recall what point I wanted to make in my copy. I know what some of you are thinking. Why didn’t I just answer the phone? Well, if I did that every time my phone notified me of a call, text, or email, I’d get nothing else done all day long except answering it. And 99.99 percent of the time, it’s not urgent. I know what some others of you also are thinking. Why don’t I just turn my phone off during the workday? That is never a good idea. The last time I completely silenced my phone, I missed an emergency phone call about a family member having a medical emergency. So yeah, I don’t do that anymore. I spend the day quickly glancing at messages during scheduled times and reply as needed. That works for most people who find it necessary to contact me during the workday who do not already have a scheduled appointment. For the repeat offenders who make me want to toss my phone out into the yard, it requires a little more grace. The instant gratification nationIf you’re honest about it, you probably have experienced something similar. People are too impatient to wait for you to respond. They call. You don’t answer. So, they text. You don’t answer. So, they email. You still don’t answer. Instead of them taking the hint, they repeat the process until they get the result they desire. They get rewarded for their irritating behavior and you end up frustrated. You may even risk missing a crucial deadline because you couldn’t concentrate on your work. I don’t blame the person. I blame technology. Apparently, I’m not alone in my finger-pointing. Numerous studies in recent years have concluded the same thing: technology makes us impatient. One such report suggests people grow frustrated after waiting 16 seconds for a website to load. In the grand scheme of things, 16 seconds is not a long time. Reading these studies gave me greater insight into why most businesses suffer from high bounce rates on their websites. People simply lose patience. I get why technology makes people forget that patience is a virtue. That doesn’t mean I accept it. I’m a Gen-Xer. When I was a kid, we still had rotary dial phones with cords. Heck, it took more than a few seconds just to dial a number. You’d select the first digit, wind it around, then wait for the dial pad to come back. You’d repeat that again until you dialed all the digits to complete your call. (If you weren’t a patient person, dialing a rotary phone would certainly cure you of that). If a person you were calling didn’t answer that was the end of it. Back then, most families still didn’t have answering machines, so you couldn’t even leave a message. You assumed they weren’t home and tried again later. What you didn’t do was continue to call them, over and over, until someone answered. You found something better to do with your time. Now, we have these handy little digital devices we shove in our back pockets that make it easy for people to literally stalk us. No matter where you are or what you are doing, they can reach you. Heck, it’s not even safe to take a bathroom break without the expectation that you’ll still answer calls and texts. Call me crazy, but there are just some experiences I don’t care to share with other people. Technology has ruined our patience, and that is not a good thing, my friends. Not a good thing at all. Reversing the instant gratification urgeHurry up and wait. No, really. Forcing yourself to resist the urge for immediate satisfaction is the number one way to become more patient. I didn’t just make this up. Science says so. Practicing our patients makes us happier. No, really. The more we practice waiting, the better we’ll get at it, and the more enjoyment we’ll get out of life. Who knew? Here are some other effective strategies for tolerating delay without freaking out and losing your mind:
Patience is a virtueIf you’ve read this far, CONGRATULATIONS! Take a moment to give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back. You have more patience than the average person (since this was more than a 16-second read). Thomas the Tank Engine was right, my friends. Patience is a virtue. Practice it, and it will serve you well in life.
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